The rules of dinner…

By | April 30, 2014

…with me that is. By yourself. Yes, just the two of us. If you’re reading this you’re probably considering it. Or you’ve agreed already. What have you done? Are you nuts? I could be a serial killer, a human trafficker or *shudder* a Mormon!

Now that I’m done channeling your mother/best friend/husband/talking teapot let me explain a few things:

Why did I invite you to dinner?

Because I like going to dinner one on one with girls I know/want to get to know. Not every night has to be spent getting social and/or drunk with 10 – 50 mates in the local pub. It also beats sitting at home working/playing/mowing the parrots head feathers.

It’s also a great way to discover new places to eat, drink and be merry. It goes a long way to knowing this town better. Specially if it’s outside of my bubble.

Finally, I like to do a great number of things that are not suited (in my mind) to group activities. Dinner, theater, dancing etc. And it’s good to have that social connection with someone I could invite on these excursions because we’re friends and friends can go out and do mutually enjoyable activities together.

Why did I invite you to dinner?

Because I’m just fucking awesome like that. Learn it. Accept it. Love it.

Why did I invite you to dinner?

Because I find you interesting. I would like to get to know you better. One on one, without the social disruptions of a big group. Believe it or not, coming from me, this is unique. Something about you is unique.

Why did I invite you to dinner?

It could be breakfast, lunch or a cup of coffee. Usually it’s dinner. Depends on the situation, so pick your favorite and substitute accordingly.

So you’ve been invited.

One thing to cover if you’ve been fatefully thrown into the Elite group of girls I’ve actually invited.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be honest. If you don’t want to join me for dinner then say so. A simple no will suffice. No explanations needed. You do not need to protect my feelings. But please, don’t flake.

Do take into consideration, if you’ve accepted, that some effort went into this invite. I probably booked a table. Which means I had to talk to someone. On the phone. So do not message me 2 hours before the time with some excuse of “your cats fleas have gone on strike because the particular new bathroom spray you use is drying out the felines skin and they’re demanding higher wages”, or whatever strikes your fancy at the time.

Somewhere along the line shit got mixed up and it became some undocumented belief that it’s politically correct to do the whole “sure it will be fun” dance when you don’t mean it. It’s not. It is ill mannered and rude. Be honest. I believe in honesty. It doesn’t have to be brutal. But don’t give me a polished turd. You flake, you’re a fake, and that’s all that I’ll take.

But hang on a moment Sin, something really did come up. And that’s fine. Family emergencies, best friend’s broken heart or a migraine that makes your head spin when you blink too fast. Shit happens and its timing usually sucks. In this instance, the onus is on you to reschedule.

Sounds like fun. I’ll be there (and I mean it)

Great! Let’s get down to the nitty gritty and what to expect. The dreaded rules in other words.

Rule 1: It’s not about sex.

Let me be upfront about *that* here. If you think the only reason I invited you to dinner is to try and get laid then I have news for you. I’m deeper than that. Sorry. If I want to get laid, I go out, find some like minded beauty, and get laid. It sure cuts down on the post coital “God I didn’t know a man could do that to my body” awkwardness. This is dinner. I’m sure you’ll look gorgeous. But I do have more than a stuffed toys’ ability to have a conversation.

Rule 2: Have fun.

This is important. So stop stressing. I did not invite you to sit through a 5 hour lecture on the intricacies of paint drying. We’re going to enjoy ourselves and have a fun time. And that’s what it is all about.

Rule 3: There’s no time limit.

And this goes both ways. If at 20:30 either one of us is sitting there thinking we’d rather be home watching the National Geographic special on the table manners of houseflies, then we call it. If you’re not enjoying it then say so. Let’s not waste any more time. We’re all busy. We have other stuff we could be doing. This also saves you having to go to the trouble of arranging a friend to give you the emergency phone call 9 point 3 minutes after you message them. But the opposite is true too. If we end up getting involved in such entertaining conversation that we lose track of time, it’s fine. It’s good. It’s about enjoying it.

Rule 4: Put the phone away

Beautiful little device that has made our lives so much easier and brought the world closer to our respective pockets and handbags. And also the little piece of shit that has brought on the unacceptable habit of people sitting with their noses in their phones not paying attention to who’s around them.

Here’s what I do. I arrive, I put my phone on the table, screen up and ignore it. It’s rare that a message will contain any really important information and no one will phone me. Done. Please don’t spend the entire evening with your nose in your phone. I prefer human interaction, not the faux-social habit of annoying millions of electrons with my finger.

Rule 5: Be awesome

Actually, this is an always rule, not just a dinner rule. Be awesome.

Just say Yes.

Mr Sinister

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