My dick, my brain and my heart walk into a bar…

By | April 27, 2014

There’s no punchline. But it does provide a nice start to my story today. We’ll file this under “Shit I write when I’ve had 3 hours sleep and we’re waiting for the coffee to phone upstairs with the wake up call”

Some of you might have heard my theory on the triangle of attraction. I may even have written about it somewhere on here. I don’t know. And I’m too lazy to check. But as a quick review, it’s quite simple. The Physical, the emotional and the mental. The dick is in charge of the physical attraction aspect, the brain is in charge if the intellectual/mental aspect and the heart is of course in charge of the emotional. Now when I meet a girl my dick gives his opinion on my physical attraction towards her in seconds flat. This fucker (pun intended) is fast. This is the easy one. Not a lot of decisions need to be made and all the information needed is readily available. It’s a simple yes or no. My dick is shallow and quite frankly, easy to please.

After a while my brain will deliver an opinion on my intellectual/mental attraction towards the girl. This is where I have my thoughts on whether she is intelligent. Does she have a sense of humor (particularly one that suits my brand). Can we have a conversation. Etc Etc. Basically, do I like her as a friend. Takes a bit longer and there are some variables that do on occasion change.

My heart on the other hand, will just sit there and watch. Like an old man in his rocking chair on the porch. He pretty much never has anything to say.

Now the whole process will result in the girl being listed, in my sophisticated mental filing system, in one of the following 5 categories

  • Someone I don’t like and would not want to sleep with.
  • Someone I don’t like but would not mind sleeping with. (The fuck buddy zone)
  • Someone I do like but do not want to sleep with. (Yep, sorry, you got friend zoned)
  • Someone I do like and given the opportunity would happily sleep with. (Potential for friends with benefits coming in from the north west)
  • They’re on the list.

This last one is the kicker. Here’s what happens. I meet a girl. My dick and my brain provide their opinions, as per standard procedures. Then, after a while (weeks or months usually), my heart, the old fart in the corner, clears his throat. That’s it. My heart gave an opinion. Fuck! The girl is now on the list. And boy, does this kick off a shit storm. You see, for no rhyme or reason that I have yet figured out, my heart has indicated that he will be paying attention to this girl. It’s not love. But it could be. It’s not even a crush, although it likely soon will be.

By putting a girl on my list I am indicating to myself that she could potentially be really really important to me. And I would be willing to take a chance. A chance that we could fall in love. A chance that we could be soul mates. A chance that she could take my heart (willingly given) and protect and nurture it. But now, with this girl, the rules change. And that’s not a problem. The brain thought that shit up, he can damn well manage it.

No, the problem is: The heart isĀ  member of the board. We have to listen to him. We don’t really have a choice. But being the head of the emotion department you can well guess that logic is not his strong suit. I can review the list, and my brain can come up with loads of reasons why we do not have to bother and the heart would simply say “Yes. And?”. Hell, the brain can give reasons why a girl should not be on the list at all! But the heart doesn’t care. He’s a stubborn old fool. And he’s now starting to make demands. And he’s starting to exercise some of his veto rights. And that gentle reader is where the proverbial pawpaw hits the high speed rotating wind creation device.

Fortunately my heart is shy. And seems to be very picky. So he does not speak up often. But those times that he does. Man. The times that he does.

Drum roll please

Mr. Sinister

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